Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Clowns to the left of me...


Do we really want to hear the brutal honesty our spouses bestow upon us? Honesty is the best practice... right?

So there we were, TiVo-ing thru an earlier recorded American Idol as I burst out in my very own rendition of Stealers Wheel: Stuck in the Middle With You, followed by a cunnning look over to Angie and softly asking, "Can I sing?" She said, "Oh yes, you can sing".

I said, "Really?" She replied, "Do you want the real answer or the nice answer?" I turned back around and shed a single tear.

Good thing she didn't ask me if she could cook!

What's the Difference?

The difference between mommys and daddys is quite simple, really. Take Angie and I for example. Daddys forget things sometimes. Mommys never forget anything. Just tonight, in less than 20 minutes, I became known to this.

Lets look back a couple hours ago from around 8:00 to 8:20...

I was ready to read the boys Goodnight Moon and send 'em off the Dreamland. I forgot a few things in between. Angie never forgets. She had them brushing their teeth, taking their vitamins, taking their medicine, putting on a fresh diaper, going pee one last time, setting up the humidifier (which means finding all the pieces that the kids took apart), finding all the stuffed animals hiding around the house and placing them in their beds, washing their faces, putting a book in Carter's bed to read while he "sleeps", tucking them in, saying their prayers, reminding them to thank God for everything and kissing them g'nite... whew!

Good thing for mommys, huh? Not sure where we'd be without you, Angie. We love you.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dear Angie,

Angie, I love you. I love you so much. You are a wonderful, wonderful woman. You cook and clean and take care of our children and work so very, very hard. Your patient and kind. Your strong and beautiful. Your smart and even sort of funny. You've got it all! But listen, if you ever, and I mean ever buy that cheap-ass toliet paper again, I'll string you up by your eyelids on rusty fish hooks. Mkay?

Your dearest husband,
Jus

PS: I'll take it to the office and you buy some more. Adam normally just uses paper towels anyway so he'll think it's great!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Boba Fett



About 89.7% of everything I buy online arrives exactly as expected. And even if it doesn't, a large percentage of that could potentially be returned. One exception is buying stuff off eBay. Things like clothing or accessories are sort of a crap shoot. I bought some sun glasses. They looked really cool on the screen, but when I put them on, I sort of look like Boba Fett from Star Wars. Don't believe me, keep scrolling...

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Snow Piles

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT BELOW

Okay, not really graphic content, but kinda gross, nevertheless. For 27 years, I had be taught, by expereince and routine, how going to the bathroom is supposed to go. You sit, read a magazine, look over to see a nice big role of soft tissue and flush. But it would seem my boys have a decided that all those years of practicing should just be thrown out the window.

Now, when daddy potties, it goes a little differently now. Most things are still pretty much the same except for the whole nicely rolled up tissue. No, now I reach down into a huge wadded-up "snow pile" laying in the corner atop the magazine rack. *sigh*

Locking Up

Owning your own business is sometimes stressful. Who am I kidding; it's ALWAYS stressful. You have to work unbelievable hours, have meetings, pay bills, make important decisions, hire and fire employees, all the while trying to make every single client happy. And these are only the things you have to do during the work day. And although the hours on my building say 9 a.m. - 4 p.m., it is more like 7 a.m. - Midnight. I actually left one morning last week at 3:15 a.m. and was back in at 8 a.m.

So my daily routine goes a little something like this:
7:30-ish, leave for work
Noonish, meet the wife and kids for lunch
5-ish, leave work and go home
8:30-ish, put the kids in bed and head back to work
Midnight-ish, go home
REPEAT

Please don't misinterpret this, I am not complaining. God blesses our business with unbelievable success and growth. We've worked very hard and earned a great reputation.

So the daily routine got a little out of whack a couple of nights ago. Everything was normal up until the "putting the kids to bed and heading back". I had a very full plate and all of my assistants had been "unavailable" for a big chunk of the week. So after dinner and playtime, around 7:30, I stood up, put on my coat, gave kisses and said "goodbye".

Right then Carter screamed out, "No Daddy! No go bye bye!" Oh, it nearly broke my heart. I told him I had some work to do, but when I got home, I'd check in on him and give him big kisses. He was not satisfied. At all. He turned slowly to look at Angie and ran for the door. He ran back in the living-room and said, Me lock door. You NO GO Daddy! It cold outside! Stay here." I did. For as long as I could. I stayed and played just a while longer. But in the end, I still left earlier than normal.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

New K2D Signs


The 5th Element

No, I'm not talking about Luc Besson's 5th Elememt (although, I have a small crush on Milla) ... no, I'm talking about the fifth edition of Apple to bless my office. That's right, I am now 5-deep in Macs! A white iMac, a chrome iMac, a G4 iBook, a PowerMac G4 (my first baby), and now a 17" MacBook Pro! I am a proud father!





Classical Conditioning

Way back in December of 2006, I submitted a short story to Crunchable, Words to Crunch By, entitled Crunchies. I wrote a blurb within that article on "Classical Conditioning". Okay, so don't go and read the article, lazy, I just recap what it is for you. It is: "with repeated association of the unconditional and the conditional stimulus, the conditional stimulus will cause a reflex of its own". Hmmmm, in other words, with repetitiveness comes habit or learning of what will happen next.

Case in point

Date: January 14, 2008; Time: 07:00 hours; Place: The Bathtub. I was studying two ferocious subjects submerged in the depths of a local watering hole splashing about like wild beasts. One subject would pound the water with its clinched fists while the other beast would drink the white, bubbly concoction floating atop and screaming "my making milk". Soon afterwards one of the animals stood up, I thought, "maybe he smelled me and my location had been compromised" but then I realized he just wanted to watch himself excrete into the water. He smiled with an evil grin. The other yelped a loud "Ewwwweee Jackson!" When I moved in closer for a better look, I was spotted. They didn't mind my presence, so I sat quietly upon a piece of porcelain and watched. It was horrendous. And even though I didn't sense a hostility in the brutes, I still sat quietly ... in fear.

Sorry, I started rambling again. Honestly, I don't know why you are reading this. Anyway, my point was; I was giving Angie (aka: the wife) a break and decided to give the kiddos their bedtime bath. We always have so much fun splashing about. Well, that's probably because Angie has to clean up the mess afterwards. So I give the boys lots of baths, not as many as the wife, but quite a few. When I do, its a routine (see where I am going with this?). I start the water, the tub begins to fill, Carter gets in with his clothes on, Jackson screams until he sits down in the warm water, etc. Bath time is wonderful until bath time turns into, well, actually taking a bath. Usually the entire process takes about 30 minutes. They play for 20 minutes, I clean them and wash their hair for 10 minutes. Here it comes ... so I sit and wait on the toilet until it is time for cleansing. When I stand up, push up my sleeves and take off my watch and my bracelet, Jackson stands up tall in the tub and starts to scream and Carter yells out that he's not ready to wash! How amazing is that? WOW! Just because I stand up and make a movement to my wrists so many reactions begin.

Sorry. That was a long story to prove my Classical Conditioning scenario.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Friend Survey

This came via email, but I figured I'd just blog it, too.

1. What time is it? 11:22PM

2. What's your full name? Justin Brent Kimbro

3. What are you most afraid of? Being alone

4. What is the most recent movie that you have seen on bootleg? I'd never participate in that sort of thing, but if I did, it would have to be the killer flick 300

5. Place of birth? Murray, Kentucky

6. Favorite food? Cheeseburger & French Fries

7. What's your natural hair color? Brown

8. Ever been a neat freak? Organizationally speaking... I'm a little OCD 

9. Ever been skinny dipping? Unfortunately not...

10. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? I don't cry...

11. Ever been in a car wreck? A few, okay, 17 or 18 of them.

12. Croutons or bacon bits? Bacon Bits

13. Favorite day of the week? Sunday

14. Favorite restaurant? Logan's Roadhouse

15. Favorite Flower? Orchid

16. Favorite sport to watch? Football

17. Favorite drink? Non-Alcoholic; Sweet Tea - Alcoholic; Tom Collins

18. Favorite ice cream? Just plain ole chocolate

19. Warner Bros or Disney? Disney

20. Ever been on a ship? A small one

21. What color is your bedroom carpet? Beige, maybe?

22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Zero

23. What do you do when you are bored? Take pictures

24. Bedtime? As late as possible

25. Last person you went to dinner with? Angie

26. Park or Zoo? Zoo

27. What are your favorite colors? Blue & Gray

28. How many tattoos do you have? Zero

29. How many pets do you have? Six (2 dogs, a cat, 2 fishes and a turtle)

30. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Chicken

31. What do you want to do before you die? Build Murray's largest building

36. Have you ever been to Hawaii? Not yet

37. Have you been to countries outside the US? Not yet

38.  Time this survey ended? 11:33 PM (I told you I like organization and all the spacing was messed up and only some of the numbers had periods... a little OCD)

Monday, January 14, 2008

As far as Saturdays go...

As far as Saturdays go, when I was 8-years old, there couldn't have been a better day of the week. I slept late (usually 9 o'clock was late for a growing boy), I watched cartoons (I loved Captain Caveman & the Snorks), I ate cereal (Cookie Crisp was my taster's choice) and played outside or lounged around the house without a worry in the world.

As far as Saturdays go, when I was 16-years old, there couldn't have been a better day of the week. I slept late (usually noon was late for a "up all night on the phone" teenager), I watched MTV (I loved The Real World), I ate cereal (Cookie Crisp was my taster's choice) and lounged around the house without a worry in the world.

As far as Saturdays go, when I was 21-years old, there couldn't have been a better day of the week. I slept late (usually 2 o'clock was late for a hung-over college kid), I watched Comedy Central (I loved Southpark), I ate cereal & pizza (Cookie Crisp & thin-crust pepperoni were my taster's choices) and lounged around the dorms without a worry in the world.

As far as Saturdays go, now, being 29-years old, there couldn't be a busier day of the week. I get up early (usually 7 o'clock is when my darling boys grace me with their presence), I watch nothing (who has time), I eat whatever Angie makes me eat (usually something she read about on her "boards" or something her and Rachel Ray talked about earlier that day) and work my tail off outside landscaping something, painting something, building something, cleaning something or mowing something.

This Saturday was a turn of events for me. I got up early (to let Angie sleep in). I got the kids dressed and took them out to Hih-Burger for our traditional Saturday brunch (I had ham and biscuits). Angie suggested that we head out to LBL's Elk & Bison Range and see if anything was stirring about. We drove around and saw tons of both. I took my camera, of course, and Angie was more than happy to sit in the van with two screaming kids while I played safari and snuck up on a huge stag to photograph him. We came home, the kids took a nap. We ate left-overs. Angie's sister called and heard a of big sale Maurice's was having. She went and left me with the kids. I turned out LaLa Blanky (a.k.a.: Elmo in Grouchland), made a huge tub of popcorn and laid in bed to wait for mommy to come home. We read books, put the kids to bed and snuggled up and watched a movie. We both feel asleep in the middle of it.

Yup, as far as Saturday's go, this was the best one I've had in a long time.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Where's the Button, Daddy?


You can tell, just by the questions our children ask, what type of world we are living in.

Just tonight, I was playing with Carter and Jackson in their room while Angie and her sister were watching Grey's Anatomy. They'd go from one toy to another, playing with each one for a milisecond or two before moving onto the next. No matter whether it be a spinny, flashy Sesame Street astronomical thingamajig or a Little People farm set or an Incrediblock, they all have some sort of interactive button-mashing noise maker incorporated on it somewhere. Even many of their books have Elmo telling you how proud he is of you going to the potty or some clang, bang, swish of a sword from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I despise that book, by the way).

So there we are just playing along, sitting in the floor, laughing and gigglin' when Carter picks up a rather large Tonka truck and he is anxiously turing it over; left and right, up and down and then asks, Where's the Button, Daddy?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Sweet Confessions


Nine days into the New Year and it has started off well. I didn't really make any New Year's resolutions, because, let's be honest, they normally fall short. Being a man who hates to fail, I just didn't make any, really. I mean, I am trying to eat a little healthier. How cliché is that? I'm not going all out, but I sort of kinda gave up sweets and just trying to watchmy food portions. It's quite easy actually. I've been less that hungry being as how my lunches aren't coming until 4 p.m. as I am just keeping my head above water keeping up with an influx work. However, there is always time for munchies. But I am trying to be strong and stay away. It is day nine and all I have to confess to is one Andes Mint (I blame the waitress at Olive Garden) and one peach-flavored gummie worm (if you read down I blame my wife and kids for that one). Day nine and holding strong!

You know you're getting old when...

After three atrocious meetings and a full day's worth of work, sometimes a man just wants to sit on the couch, eat some popcorn, watch a movie and get a foot massage. But not me. No, I'd rather drive 50 miles to a mall and go shopping with my wife and two toddlers.

There was sale. An annual sale we go to every year. It seems the overflowing closet of my two sons could handle a few more items bearing the brand name, The Children's Place. I mean, who could miss out on such a sale of 50% Off? Not my wife. Of course, she may not realize the $50 in clothes she bought (originally $100) probably isn't that great of deal since we had to spend $30 in gas getting there.

But that is not the point. Nor is it the point of my story. So there I am, watching her hold a very rambunctious child, peering through racks of clothes looking frustrated trying to keep up with a 2-year old while I had the 1-year old. I played Superman and gave a woman their dream wish. To have the husband and kids wait on a bench in the middle of the mall surrounded by kiosks full of cheap gold jewelry and candy and sit. And wait. I just wanted her to be happy.

I stopped by Mr. Bulky (the huge candy shop) and picked up some candy and bribed the kiddos to stay quiet while mommy shopped. Normally the bench is just fine. But what my wondering eyes did see was a whole row of empty massage chairs! So there I was, a toddler on each knee, covered in chocolate-covered raisins and sour gummie worms, feeding my George Washington into the machine getting a back massage by a robotic chair.

Now I know I'm getting old.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I Pee on Daddy!

And yes, he did!. Carter climbed up on my lap a couple days ago and said "Me pee on Daddy". I laughed and then felt something warm. I should have took his warning more seriously...

Caddy Time!







New Year's Fun!











Wednesday, January 02, 2008

5 Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Screw you!”

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Our Traditional New Year's Day Feast


There is only one guaranteed day during the year I know, for certain, I get to eat a good ole Southern meal filled with calories, cholesterol and all kinds of other artery-clogging things. Each year we have a small New Year's Day feast at my parents' home. Angie just "loves" going. Primarily because the meal consists of everything she hates. For as long as I can remember we have eaten the same thing, every year, my entire life; hog jawl (thick bacon, really), black-eyed peas, cabbage and cornbread. Those are the essentials. Now in the more recent years of youngins coming into the scene, mom and dad have begun to produce some potatoes and mac 'n cheese. Of course, dad fries up chicken so Angie doesn't leave on too empty of a stomach.

I thought everyone did this... until I met Angie, of course. It seems I had no idea I was "weird" until she let me know. So here we are, two plates down, on New Year's Day and I am wondering just how "weird" I really am. A quick little Google search for "new years food tradition" is bound to provide me with some answers.

*just minutes later*

A-ha!! I am NOT weird! Well, at least in reference to my eating traditions on the first day of the new year. LOTS of people do this very similar meal. It seems the hog jowl is the thing most people "change" or substitute. Lots of people will just eat something called "Hopping John" which is ham hocks cooked with the black-eyed peas. Some people eat hot dogs or pulled pork. It is always pork, though. Some people eat sauerkraut or cole slaw for the cabbage.

Here are some posts just to prove I am not alone:

Forum Post: Who cooks cabbage on New Years Day for Good luck?
-- Here in Pennsylvania Dutch country we have sauerkraut and pork (hot dogs) for New Years!
-- Yes... I have served Cabbage for New Years I've been told that eating Cabbage (or any greens) on New Years bring wealth...and keeps money in your pockets!! I've lived in the South all my life, I've always had growing up and I fix for my family today... Black eyed peas, Fried Hog Jawl, Poor Mans Salad some times called or Wilted salad.. it is (cut up lettuce with cut up green onions or onions and use the very hot grease from fried hog jawl over it (<--- Justin has tried this too, not a fan, but my grandma calls it "Polk Salad").
-- Mmm, sounds good but my family tradition is that they cook black-eyed peas and collard greens. Apparently there is this old wives tales that you eat them both on New Year's Day to bring good luck and fortune into the new year.

Forum Post: What is the traditional New Year's Day dinner for North America?
-- I know they have black-eyed peas in the south, but I'm in Ohio. Is the traditional dinner pork and sauerkraut? What else?
-- I'm from NY....we always had a traditional turkey dinner.
-- I think traditional New Year's Day dinner for North Koreans consists of tree bark and grass. And maybe a mealy beetle if they're lucky.
-- In the south it's ham, collard greens and black eyed peas. I know that the collards are for money, the black eyed peas are for luck, Im not really sure about the ham, I think it's prosperity or something like that.
-- In our home it is Ham, Collard Greens, Black Eyed Peas and Corn Bread. Except this year we are smoking a Turkey Breast instead of a Ham.

Happy New Year! (go eat some pork!)